Fade
by An Ordinary Riceball
Summary: Sometimes, China was numb. Numb to life. Numb to the world. Only in the dreams that he was dying did things actually seem right, however he wasn't broken. No, to say that would imply he could be 'fixed'. He was shattered, dulled down, and he'd never be anything but a shell of what he was. In reality, he just wanted to fade. Self-harm & Past suicide attempts. No ships. Two-shot
1. Chapter 1

**Story: _Fade_**_**  
**_**Summary: **_**Sometimes, China was numb. Numb to life. Numb to the world. Only in the dreams that he was dying did things actually seem right, however he wasn't broken. No, to say that would imply he could be 'fixed'. He was shattered, dulled down, and he'd never be anything but a shell of what he once was. In reality, he just wanted to fade.  
**_**Disclaimer: **_**I don't own Hetalia, nor China. :/**_

_**Please note that I'm won't have China's obligatory(is that the word?) 'aru', unless you guys really want it to be there.**_

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Sometimes, he was numb. Numb to pain. Numb to life. Numb to the _world._ Too numb to truly care about anything. China was _tired._ He was _hurt_. He was unhappy; his _citizens_ were unhappy, depressed, and angry. Since he was a nation personification, he felt their emotions, and even while he did feel theirs, he also had his own feelings, not as China, but as Yao. He was still human deep down. He didn't like the way a lot of the people in charge were handling some of the country's matters, but his feelings were barely anything compared to the heavy burden, constant uncertainty, deepening depression, rage, and contradicting voices influencing China's side of him.

However, if there was one thing that the both minds had in common, it was that both sides of him just wanted to _die,_ more than anything. So why hadn't he? Well he had _tried,_ _over_ and _over_, just to once again wake up later to find himself either bandaged up in a stretcher in some local ER, which was very rare, or still just lying in a pile of his own blood.

Being one of the oldest nations in the world, he'd probably tried to commit suicide far more than most anyone else, considering his history, and even if he subconsciously knew it was pointless, he still kept trying. Not very many people knew, except for Hong Kong and Taiwan, who had somehow or another found out about him trying to jump. Both of them pretty much seemed to be avoiding speaking to him ever since, minus the few moments they had communicated with him about important business or trade matters. Afterward, he _did_ try again a few times, however eventually, he just reached a point where he finally just gave up on it, and instead, began using other means to 'escape'; _Self-harm, though a better word would be 'masochism'. _

He had burnt himself, cut himself, and almost anything that caused him to bleed. If even for a little while, he wanted to be able to be able feel something and know he and everything was real, despite the irony. He had to make sure this was not all just some delusion in some never-ending nightmare, as strange as it might sound.

He'd always liked wearing those long sleeves, and it was partially because of that that he did. They covered up the many scars, burn marks, bruises, open wounds and cuts that, over time, had littered both of his entire arms, from his wrists all the way up to his shoulders. Of course, he didn't mind his clothes anyway, but considering the situation, he had been able to appreciate them even more than before.

"So we've been thinking about sending a group of people to Mars on a one way trip one day. It'd be an awesome idea if we only had more resources to use. When we do, I'm gonna seriously claim it as mine, and build like fifty different McDonalds all over it."

"That's lovely, America, however, I would appreciate it if you to knocked yourself out on your _own_ time. Right now, we have far more important matters to discuss, so will you please take a seat?"

"Help me, Germany! Big brother France is acting really scary!"

"Honhonhonhon~! Won't you come back here and give your big brother France a hug?"

"EVERYONE, WILL YOU SHUT UP?!" Germany exclaimed, finally silencing the room.

Another typical World Conference. Once again, America was being loud and obnoxious. Once again, no one seemed to be getting along. Hardly anything constructive was going to be accomplished, as always. China leaned his elbow against the surface of the large black conference table, resting the side of his face in the palm of hand beneath his sleeve, momentarily and unintentionally dosing off due to fatigue.

"You should ask China. He would know, Da?", was the first thing he remembered heard after waking up.

"Well, China?" looking around, the Chinese man found that at that second, he was in center of everyone's gazes. All eyes in the room were immensely set on him, as if they were expecting him to reply. A second later he noticed Ivan sitting not that far away from him, grinning innocently, and that's when realization dawned on him, that that Russian bastard had done that on purpose, just to humiliate him in front of everyone, just so he and everyone else could see him in distress! Now everyone was looking at him, _watching_ him...! Anxiety was not a problem he often had to deal with, but it suddenly felt as though the space around him was getting smaller with every passing second.

'_Damn it... I need to get out of here...!' _he realized, and immediately got up, avoiding eye-contact with anyone and ran out the room, and down the hallway as fast as his feet could go, slightly staggering all the way. When he finally reached a bathroom, he hurriedly turned the faucet on, splashing some water over his face, in the hopes to calm down at least a little bit.

Moments later, he heard the door open, his heart briefly palpulating. He swiftly turned around, expecting to see Ivan - or possibly even the stupid American - standing there when he'd turned around, but was somewhat relieved, yet somehow worried in equal measures, when he found it was only Kiku.

"Japan...!" he exclaimed, still slightly startled.

Noticing how tense the eldest nation was at the moment, Japan backed up slightly.

"China-san, are you alright...?" he asked, obviously just out of politeness. For centuries, there had always been a subtle awkwardness when the two were alone that made it very difficult for both Asains to know what to say to the other, and converse with each other.

"Yes. Sorry, I'm fine..." he replied trying to sound as calm as possible, and before Japan had the chance to respond, China quickly left the room.

"I wonder what time it is... How long was I was asleep for earlier anyway...?" he mused, gazing down at his phone. However, before he could even manage to get a glimpse of the time on his screen, he heard both of the Italy brothers' voices, moments later he saw them walking someways ahead of him.

"This is fucking ridiculo, I tell you! Let me go, damn it!" Lovino snapped, irritably

"But, Romano, it'll be fun! Come on, fratello~! Please?" Feliciano begged, hugging close.

"I already said no! I don't have the time to do some stupid karaoke! So just leave me the hell alone...!"

"Stupid Spain... Stupid brother...!" their gaze momentarily met before he glared at the older nation. "Tch, what the fuck are you looking at, you stupid communist bastard...?!"

He didn't hesitate to glare back, as he'd never really cared to simply hold back just for the sake of being 'polite'. He was just simply honest and to the point when it came to expressing his thoughts.

He sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. Right now, though, he was honestly feeling three completely different emotions right now. Two of them, regrettably, belonged to _Yao; _one part of him knew a bit of what the younger nation had been through - rejection, insecurity, inferiority, and even self loathing - and with such said, considering the fact that another part of him couldn't bring himself to care, he wouldn't have minded just letting the South Italian cuss him out to his hearts desire, however seeing as he was also _China_, he couldn't allow personal feelings, nor someone _else's_ feelings to influence him. So he simply turned away.

"Hey! I just asked you a fucking question, dammit!" Romano demanded from behind."What the hell were you doing there!? Were you spying on us?! Answer me, dammit!"

China grew extremely tense when he felt the bandages on his arms being snagged as he made an to grab him by the wrist. The Asian man immediately spun around, catching both of Romano's hands within an instant. He held them so tightly, that Romano instinctively cut himself off. China's gaze bore into Romano's, and Romano seemed to be able read the message in which his eyes were conveying, _"I have no real reason to hurt you, but if you dare challenge me or get in my space again, I won't hesitate, nor would I regret my actions."_

Lovino swallowed, unable to bring himself to speak any further.

"I don't hate you, nor do I like you. You are nothing to me. So don't push your luck, boy. Don't touch me again, or I won't hesitate to cut you. Do you understand?"

"...Si." came the reluctant and muttered reply, before the South Italian was released, and allowed himself to sinking to his knees.

China then left him and continued further down the hallway to now see North Italy sitting against the wall, sobbing into his folded arms. He couldn't help but wonder why he was even bothering with any of this.

_**(Sorry for all the 'Italy' business. It really is too confusing Dx T.T)**_

"You've lost some things haven't you, Feliciano?" the North Italian seemed to jump at hearing his voice.

"...Eh?" Italy inquired, raising his head, confused by his question-slash-statement.

"You put on an act as if everything is okay, even though it hurts, and you always continue smiling... I know doesn't concern me, but it actually kind of annoys me..." China said, sighing.

Feliciano's curl seemed to bounce a bit as he thought about it, before finally giving a soft, but very genuine smile.

"It's good to be sad every once in a while, because otherwise how could we cherish happiness, if we didn't know what it was there for...?" he paused for a second, looking away, his smile seeming to falter a bit. "But some people get sad more often than others, and...well, if smiling through my pain will help even one person be able to laugh, or making get through another day easier, then I would sacrifice every shred of my happiness just to see everyone smiling. Besides it's not like it's possible for my to lose that happiness, because seeing those close to me, and not, happy is the thing that makes me the most happy."

"So you actually think it's possible to make everyone in the world happy...?" Yao dryly replied, obviously in disbelief that such a thing was even possible. "You're an idiot, you know that...?"

Italy softly nodded in reply, seemingly unphased. "Si... Germany, Romano, Big Brother France, Mr Austria and even Japan keep telling me that." his laugh sounded a little to carefree for Yao's comfort or liking, but he stayed quiet and listened anyway. "They tell me it's pointless to want to make everyone happy, but if I listened to them, and told myself that I _can't_ help everyone, then I'd simply be labeling _everyone _as unsaveable, and I wouldn't be able to help the ones I _could've _helped, because I'd told myself it was all for naught..."

After a long moment of silence, China turned back toward the direction of the meeting room to get his stuff, seeing as the meeting was more than likely already over. "Honestly, they may be noble words, but I still think you're an idiot."

With that, he walked away.

"Ve~ Germany, I-" moments later, however, he heard the northern Italian's innocent voice, immediately cut off by Germany's loud and stern voice echoing down the hallway.

"ITALY! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!" he demanded. The last thing China could make out was him whining, "Ve-e-eeee!"

When he reentered the world meeting room, sure enough, most of the nations had left. Except of course - his _luck_ \- America and Russia, alongside England and France who were once again at each others necks. He didn't even bother trying to sneak by (had he actually resorted to the that?) without them noticing, because it was obvious that one of them would notice him either way, and they'd be far more likely to say something if he appeared to be all worked up and tense.

However, no such luck, as _expected._

"Oh, China's back~"

_~End of Chapter._

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_**A/N: Sigh... I'm so tired right now... I'll try to update when I get more inspiration, though this will probably end up as a two-shot, but you can expect a little more of Kiku in this, not as a pairing, though(Even though I **_**do **_**ship ChuNi, Along With RoChu and so many more~ 3). Anyhow, please review. Any errors in Spelling, Grammar, punctuation, whatever else, please feel free t**_**o correct me. Ja ne~! ^^**


	2. Chapter 2

**Story: **_**Numb, Chapter 2**_

**Disclaimer: **_**I don't own Hetalia... T^T**_

_**Note: As I've mentioned in the summary there are absolutely no pairings in this fanfiction (as much as I love NiChu and GerIta and RoChu, and UsUk and FrUk... AHEM! Anyway... No ships, but do feel free to see it as what you want to. **_

_**Note 2: In my opinion China and Japan is a bit too OOC for my liking near the end, but I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn't even matt~e~rrr~ (Yup that was my Linkin Park spam for the day, si? ^^)**_

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"Oh, China's back." China quite honestly wanted to punch Ivan in the face right now, and to be honest, his military could actually defeat Russia's if put to the test, however, as of right now, said country sadly happened to be one of his most trustworthy _technical_ allies, and one that he didn't particularly want to lose, so instead of physically reacting, he just simply glared at him, as he made his way past them to retrieve his luggage.

"Yo, China, dude you're back! What in the world happened anyway? You seriously freaked out earlier, man." America probed, much to his dismay.

"I have to agree. It's really not like you to dose off in the middle of a meeting. So we were quite worried, when you ran out like that." England added.

"It's nothing that concerns you." China said, leaving the room at that. Personally, he just wanted them to just leave him be, and to be frank, what he said was true. It _wasn't_ any of their business what he did or how he felt, anymore than it was the Russian's.

"But that wasn't fully true, now was it?" China flinched in pain, when Ivan grabbed his sleeve around his wrist.

"Let go of me!", China demanded, extremely anxious and aggravated at this point.

"Nyet." Russia replied with ease.

"What do you want?" China finally asked.

"I want you to answer some questions, da?" Russia answered, as calm as ever, unlike China, who finally, but reluctantly, gave in, sighing.

"Fine. What do you want to know...?", he sighed in reply.

"Question one, why do you always wear these long sleeves...?" There was a long moment of silence, before China looked away, letting his bangs shadow his eyes.

"...Do you really care to know? Quite honestly, it doesn't even matter to me anymore.", China said exhaustedly. It was stated in a way that made it difficult to tell if he was saying he didn't even care to hide it anymore, or if he was actually implying that _nothing_ mattered to him anymore, but all the more reason to believe it was intended to be taken in both ways.

Russia let go of his wrist so he could pull up his sleeves.

Unbefittingly, Russia's eyes widened a bit at the sight of China's arms. Even though they were bandaged, and the majority of his opened cuts were covered, the healing scars that _weren't_ said everything. It was obvious that there wasn't a single spot on his entire arm that hadn't been sliced up at least three or four times.

For once, Russia wasn't even smiling. There was a sincere, but underlying, concerned look in the 'big-boned' man's eyes that hardly any nations would have never expected to see in him.

"China...?" said nation pulled his sleeves back down, giving the larger one a somewhat irritated side glance.

"You now have your answer, so we no longer have any further discussion. This is my place, so if you want to bug me furthur, you can just leave. Either way, I'll be taking _my_ leave now."

"Wait."

China stopped, looking back at him with dull eyes. "What is it?"

"What is it hurting you?" Russia asked after a moment, seemingly out of curiousity.

China was quiet for a moment, before finally letting out a small breath. He then muttered, "...It's nothing or everything, though you could take it as either."

Before Russia could've done anything, if he'd wanted to, China had already walked off.

After a moment, he sighed, before taking out his cell phone to call possibly the only person that might would be able to help.

_With the Axis..._

"Good job, Japan. Italy! Hurry up!" Germany's voice echoed across the field they were temporarily using as a training ground.

Japan sighed, as he stood next to Germany, unable to stop his mind from drifting back to earlier that day, when he happened to run into China. Why had he gotten so worked up during the meeting. It wasn't like him to fall asleep right in the middle of an important conference like that, so something must've been going on. Had he been ill or something? He doubted it.

However, before he could think much more into it, his phone suddenly started ringing, startling him. Realizing that he'd caught Germany's attention, he apologized, before he looked at his phone in question. "...Russia-san?", he wondered aloud. But why would _he_ be calling.

"_Moshimoshi._", he spoke, answering the phone.

"Privyet, Japan~!"

"Russia-san, it's very unusual for you to call me. What is it? Do you need something?" Japan inquired predictably.

"Da. You see, I was wondering, did you by chance speak with China earlier?" Russia stated, more than questioned.

"...Hai, I did. I ran into him briefly in the restroom back in the meeting hall, though he was tense. Is he okay now?", Japan wanted to know, beginning to wonder where this conversation was even going.

"You are familiar with self-harm, correct?" Russia questioned in an oddly innocent tone, seemingly ignoring Japan's question.

"...Hai."

"Were you aware that China happens to have a problem with this self-harm thing?" Japan's eyes widened, as he was sure that he'd heard something wrong.

"M-Matte, _nani_?", Japan stuttered in disbelief at the sudden news. "What did you say...?"

"That China self-harms, da?"

He couldn't believe it. He wouldn't. There's no way that China of all people would... This had to be some sort of joke, or prank, and America had to be behind it. "...You are joking, right?"

"Nyet. Why would I joke about matter such as this?" As playful(ish) as Russia sounded, it was still somehow obvious that Russia _wasn't_ just making this up.

"I see... Russia-san, thank you for letting me know..." Japan sighed, just before noticing that both Italy and Germany happened to be listening in on what he was saying. Italy looked worried, and was silently 've'ing to Germany, confused as to what was going on.

"No problem." Russia replied . "But you should probably pay him a visit, though, da?"

"Indeed."

"Also, make sure you tell China I said hello."

"Hai. I'll try keep that in mind..."

"Okay. Bye, Japan~!" Japan felt a cold chill run down his spine, when he heard Russia hang up. He then turned to his allies, who seemed to be looking at him expectantly and with a bit of concern.

"Japan? Did something happen?", Germany wanted to know.

"Ve, you look really worried...! China is the one you ran into earlier, right? I ran into him too earlier. He seemed a bit upset about something, though I'm not really sure what it was..." Italy mused, suddenly sidetracked by a couple kittens passing by.

Japan looked away, when he felt a firm, yet somehow gentle, hand on his shoulder.

"Hey, Japan, why don't you take care of what it is you need to.", Germany said softly with understanding. "You can explain everything later if you want."

Japan looked up at Germany, unable to find the words to express his thanks, but did the only thing he could think to do.

"Arigato gozaimasu...!", he formally exclaimed, as he bowed, before running off, making his way to China house as quickly as his feet could carry him.

_'China-san... Please wait...just a little longer...'_

~O~o~O~o~O~o~O~o~O~

_'Why do I have to be nation and live for so long...? Why do we even exist? What's the point?'_

Blood dripped beneath him onto the floor. He motionlessly watched as crimson ran down his arms, staining both his clothes and the carpet underneath him. So many negative feelings and emotions were suddenly taking over.

_Resentment_.

_Anger. _

_Fear. _

_Longing._

_Loss._

_Betrayal._

_Hopelessness._

_Death. _

_Self-hate._

_Blood. _

_Suicide._

All these words were uncontrollably weighing down on his subconscious, and his sight began to grow blurry as he felt hot tears forming in the corners of his eyes.

He wanted to _die_. He wanted it _all_ to die. But it wouldn't make a difference, because he _couldn't_ die.

Well, even he could he honestly would care if others suffered because of his death. He _couldn't_ care, even if he'd wanted to. The only person he, as _Yao_, had never liked to see suffering, was also the same person, _and nation_, who probably hated him more than anyone else.

_Japan_.

Not that either one of their lands were on the best of terms with the other as of right now, but China never had hated nor even truly _disliked_ Japan. Down deep, he knew it was pointless and immature of him to feel this way, but he just couldn't fight back the longing to relive the days from a few centuries back, when he and Japan, and the...others, still sort of treated each other a bit more like a family.

He continued, however unknowingly, hacking further at his once pure, soft, and _untainted_, skin, which was now _buried_ in cuts, and scars.

"Why...?", he choked, unable to stop the tears from falling. He hated America, and England, and France, yes, but, as of right now, nothing could possibly convince him that he didn't hate himself far more than anyone else out there.

"Ch-China-san...! China-san...! You have to stop...! Onegai..." China heard Japan's voice suddenly exclaim out of no where, as he was gently but tightly enveloped by strong comforting arms. After a while, he had managed to calm down a bit, and he was then met by distraught, dark brown eyes.

"Yao-san...this is horrible...! What have you done...?!"

"Japan...I..." he looked away unable to bring himself to speak. He didn't even care how Japan had got in. The question was, why was he even there...?

_**(((A/N: Trying my very best to stay in character here, but considering that Hetalia is rarely ever angsty, and has VERY flippin' few scenes of actual DEVELOPMENT with China and Japan, this kind of scene has been very difficult for me to write... Like seriously...! T^T )))**_

"I...I should've came here sooner, but I had no idea that...that... Gomenasai!" The Japanese man had uncharacteristically found himself trembling, as tears fell down his face. He tightly embraced China wishing that he _had_ gotten there sooner to possibly be able to hold him back from..._this_...

"Hey, Japan... Why are you here...? I thought you hated me..." China was unable to look him in the eye when he pulled back.

"...Hai. 'Japan' does hate 'China' in many ways, but...iie..., _Kiku_ could _never_ hate _Yao_." Japan said softly.

Yao looked at him before he gave a bit of a sad smile. However, a second later, his gaze was suddenly hooked back onto the large knife at Japan's side, as he reached out to grab it. And that's when Japan realized that China barely even noticed he was sitting there anymore. He wasn't in the right state of mind right now.

"Yao-san, I won't allow you to do it, so please stop." Japan said softly, picking up the knife and holding it out of reach.

"K-Kiku, give me that knife...! I need it to stop, so I'll stop it myself since I have to! I have to bleed...! I have to..." Yao trailed of into silence, as he was once again pulled into a warm embrace.

"Yao-san, Ivan-san and Alfred-san aren't here, you know. I assure you that you can cry..." Kiku whispered softly.

And he did. Yao did cry that day. However, nothing would ever be able to convince him that he was broken, because that would imply that he could potentially be fixed.

And in reality, he _couldn't_ be fixed, because he was already hopelessly shattered, and would never be anything but a possible shell of what he might've once been.

But that didn't seem to stop him from wondering. He didn't know for sure even, but maybe the truth was, all of the nations were shattered, though some were just worse off than others, and some, like Alfred, even Feliciano, or Gilbert better yet, were just simply masters at knowing how to masking their own insecurities...

_And once again, poor ol' Canada was forgotten, eh...? T.T_

_"Who...?"_

_"Canada...! Your owner...! Remember...?!"_

_~ End of Story._

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**_A/N: Sorry it sucked so bad. I'm extremely horrible at writing detailed angst n'stuff... Sigh. Anywho...review, maybe...?_**

**TRANSLATIONS:**

**Da - Yes (Russian)**

**Nyet - No (Russian)**

**Privyet - Hello (Russian)**

**Hai - Yes (Japanese)**

**Iie - No (Japanese)**

**Moshimoshi - Hello [On the Phone] (Japanese)**

**Matte, nani? - Wait, what? (Japanese)**

**Onegai - Please (Japanese)**

**Arigato Gozaimasu - Thank you very much {Formal} (Japanese)**

**Gomenasai - I'm so sorry (Japanese)**


End file.
